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Jokes Forum Looking for a laugh and a giggle ? Post your jokes and gags here. Please add *Adult* to the subject title if the joke is of an adult nature. Anything obscene will be removed immediately.

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  #1  
Old August 26th, 2004, 12:23 AM
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dammit dammit is offline
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Talking If You Don't Have Kids

YOU MAY NEVER KNOW THESE THINGS!

1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates or roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat. You have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
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  #2  
Old August 26th, 2004, 11:02 AM
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renegade600 renegade600 is offline
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I am going to have to try that bleach/brake fluid one. Play dough and microwave also sounds interesting.
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  #3  
Old August 26th, 2004, 03:57 PM
Bad Dog Bad Dog is offline
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Had 4 children (2 now) and thought I'd seen most there is but I have to agree with renegade600, Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. I hope I don't blow myself up. Dry ice in a bucket of water is about as smokey as I've gotten. (not counting all the napalm and mortar and weapons fire in my RVN days)

One more: Don't leave baby powder or Ajax around for a two year old to reach.
And make sure you tell the baby sitter not to go to sleep unless the kid goes first. She should have known this already but just relaxed her guard a little.
Came home and found all my records out of the covers thrown all over the floor covered in baby powder and Ajax with tricycle tracks in every direction running over it all. Baby sitter awoke and found herself white and then our black dog, now white, came barking in. My son was asleep on the loveseat.
Oh, yeah, he was covered in white also.
True.
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  #4  
Old August 29th, 2004, 09:04 PM
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Snurfen Snurfen is offline
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That could almost be the father's creed Dammit!

A 5cc syringe of brake fluid up an exhaust pipe makes lots of smoke too - it used to be a regular at my old motorbike club.

Another one I fell for was don't let your 6 year old make play-dough when you're looking after them after you've done a nightshift. Spouses aren't very amused when their best tefal saucepan is burnt through and there is a flour/water mixture up all the kitchen cabinets as far as the ceiling.


Nail varnish doesn't come off your clothes after your daughter has been inspired by "Art-Attack" (watch out Neil Buchanan - you are high on my hit list).


Dogs can tap dance on your motorcycle tank, but it means a trip to the paint shop after.

Don't let your 6 yr old daughter watch "Pretty Woman". They don't explain to their teacher that the reason they want to be a prostitue is "coz you only have to kiss men and you get lots of money"
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  #5  
Old August 30th, 2004, 03:32 AM
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enat66 enat66 is offline
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doesn't brake fluid mixed with bleach make a deadly gas?
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  #6  
Old August 30th, 2004, 11:27 PM
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Snurfen Snurfen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enat66
doesn't brake fluid mixed with bleach make a deadly gas?

Yep, so does a roomful of your teenage son's mates.
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  #7  
Old August 31st, 2004, 12:04 AM
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dammit dammit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snurfen
Yep, so does a roomful of your teenage son's mates.
Remember it well....
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