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Old May 21st, 2008, 07:08 AM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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Handy Hints

SLIMMERS use sand in your coffee instead of sugar, not only does it contain no calories, it does not dissolve and can be used again.

OLD telephone books make ideal personal address books - simply cross out all the names and addresses of people you do not know.

MUM! When cleaning up after children's parties, always burst balloons before discarding them, this way you use far less garbage bags.

AVOID loosing children in dark crowded places by painting them with luminous paint.

STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

SAVE money on heating bills, by covering you and your family with dencorub.

LADIES, a toilet deodorizer in your handbag keeps it smelling fresh.

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in the goldfish bowl, makes the fishes' eyes bulge and they swim in an amusing way.

SOIL lasts longer if you dip it in vinegar first.

SAVE time when making a cup of tea by preheating the water in a saucepan before putting it in the kettle.

AN elastic band with a dab of toothpaste makes an ideal substitute for chewing gum - not only can it be used several times, it is also better for your teeth.

TAKE your garbage bag to the supermarket with you, that way you can tell at a glance which items you have run out of.

INCREASE the life of carpets by rolling them up and storing them in the garage.

MAKE cactus plants safe for children by removing the spines with a pair of tweezers.

A CAN of tomato soup will go much further if you eat it with forks.

FROZEN peas are an ideal replacement for ice in a cool drink when ice cubes are not available. They are just as good, and can be washed afterwards and reused.

WHEN going to the toilet you will find it much easier and more pleasant if you remove both trousers and underpants before sitting down.

IF you enjoy social drinking but haven't the money to fork out on multiple drinks, simply take a sip of your drink, gargle it and spit it back into your glass. That way you will find a single drink lasts all night.

AVOID getting pet hair on your clothes and furniture, by shaving your animals on a regular basis. The hair can be used to stuff cushions etc.

STOP valuable paintings and prints from fading by keeping them covered with a sheet.

DRY-CLEANING will not be necessary if you keep your expensive outfits covered with cling wrap when you wear them - thus avoiding accidents and stains.

SMOKERS switch from tobacco to marijuana - it is much cheaper, does not contain nicotine or tar, and you will undoubtedly find smoking becomes far more enjoyable.

IF YOU find you have run out of eggs while in the middle of preparing a recipe, a great solution is to pop up the shops and get some.

LADIES, to stop lipstick from smudging, apply a thin layer of clear nail polish to your lips. This will also provide your lips with a lovely gloss.

A SMALL amount of heroin in a colicky baby's milk makes for a full night's sleep.

A PINK jelly bean glued to Ken's crotch, will render the doll more anatomically correct.

DRINKERS a liberal amount of heroin in a glass of water the morning after, is a marvelous cure for a hangover.

TEABAGS make excellent pillows for hamsters.

BABIES are very efficient birth control devices, simply borrow a friend's for a couple of days.

COVERING your umbrella with cling wrap will ensure it does not get damaged by rain.

SEVERAL teabags sewn together make ideal quilts for hamsters, two or more layers will provide an adequate mattress.

SOAKING steak in bleach overnight will result in "white meat" which can be eaten by people who don't eat "red meat"

WATER is an ideal substitute for alcohol - it is much cheaper, and doesn't leave you with a nasty headache the morning after.

AN OLD television set with a toaster inside, can be used as a microwave oven. For making toast.

DISCOURAGE birds from nesting on your roof by tethering a cat to the TV aerial.

KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of the wardrobe in the bedroom.

USE cling wrap instead of glass in your windows, it does not cost as much, and tends not to break as easily as glass.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals, tell your guards to shoot James Bond at the first available opportunity. Under no circumstances, give him a guided tour of your secret hideout or leave him in the custody of women wearing bikini's.

OBTAIN the results of New Years Eve, without the cost, by staying at home, washing your teeth with turpentine, drinking a glass of washing up detergent and banging your head against the wall several times before going to bed. You might also like to tip a can of Cambell's vegetable soup on the couch.

ALWAYS keep tubes of haemorrhoid ointment and deep heat well separated in your medicine cabinet.

REVIVE dying moths by placing them on a drop of sugary water.

A COUPLE of days before moving house, place your goldfish bowl in the freezer, this way when the time comes to move your fish can be transported without danger of spillage.

FARMERS, don't throw those old rubber gloves away, they make ideal sexy peep hole bras for cows.

DYSLEXICS, try deliberately spelling words incorrectly - that way, at least you have a chance of getting them right.

IT IS easier to sharpen the end of a worm, if you freeze it first.

DISPOSE of old fluorescent tubes safely by carefully inserting them into a dead snake.

MAKE people think you are a doctor at parties etc., by not laughing at the words 'penis', 'clitoris' or 'scrotum'.

AVOID costly telephone bills, by having your phone disconnected and visiting people when you need to speak to them. This will also stop the phone from ringing when you are in the shower, or having sex.

APPLYING dencorub to your dog's testicles can be very entertaining.

TISSUES can be reused if you have them dry-cleaned.
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Old July 10th, 2008, 05:22 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for the time it takes.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the fridge by not buying it in the first place, you fat b*****d.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
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Old July 10th, 2008, 06:31 PM
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dammit dammit is offline
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Age: 22
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Old July 12th, 2008, 09:17 AM
Ned Seagoon's Avatar
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 81
Posts: 3,714
Make Listerine last indefinitely, spit it back into the bottle.

Housewives get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
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Old July 30th, 2008, 06:47 PM
Ned Seagoon's Avatar
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
CTH Subscriber
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 81
Posts: 3,714
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the digger unseen with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
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