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Jokes Forum Looking for a laugh and a giggle ? Post your jokes and gags here. Please add *Adult* to the subject title if the joke is of an adult nature. Anything obscene will be removed immediately.

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  #1  
Old July 24th, 2023, 04:11 PM
Ned Seagoon's Avatar
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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Points to Ponder

1.When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2.To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

3.Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

4.Cop: “Please step out of the car”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

5. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

6. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

7. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

8. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

9. Age 70 might be the new 50, but 9:00am is the new midnight.

10. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

11. I run like the winded.

12. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

13. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

14. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

15. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

16. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

17. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

18. It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a bride's knickers.

19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

20. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
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  #2  
Old October 25th, 2023, 05:57 AM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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•So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.

•Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

•Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

•Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

•Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

•I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

•If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

•We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

•It’s weird being the same age as old people.

•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

•If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

•Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

•I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

•Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

•Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

•The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

•Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

•I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
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  #3  
Old October 25th, 2023, 07:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ned Seagoon
3. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Thats interesting Neddie!!
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  #4  
Old November 17th, 2023, 07:28 PM
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Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after”.

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
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  #5  
Old November 17th, 2023, 11:24 PM
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Jaytee Jaytee is offline
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A hell of a lot of relatable points there Ned...
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  #6  
Old November 18th, 2023, 09:29 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54,
The originator of gymnastics died at the age of 57,
The past world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41,
The best soccer player in history, Maradona, died at the age of 60.

On the other hand:

KFC inventor died at 94,
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88,
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102,
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116, and in an earthquake,
Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor , died at 98.

The answer to all this seems self-evident.
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  #7  
Old November 18th, 2023, 10:19 PM
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There is no justice in this world..
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  #8  
Old December 19th, 2023, 09:56 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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  #9  
Old December 19th, 2023, 11:04 PM
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  #10  
Old December 22nd, 2023, 07:42 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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  1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  3. What’s another word for synonym?
  4. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  5. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  6. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  7. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
  8. Why is there no mouse-flavored cat foods?
  9. Why do they report power outages on TV?
  10. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  11. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  13. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
  14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  15. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
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  #11  
Old December 24th, 2023, 09:25 PM
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The Dude The Dude is offline
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Smile Thank you Neddie

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  #12  
Old December 30th, 2023, 11:38 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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  #13  
Old January 1st, 2024, 05:44 AM
mike mike is offline
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Thanks for the laughs ... bbq here tomorrow ,,, will throw a few of the above around ...will get a lot of giggles
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  #14  
Old March 11th, 2024, 10:08 AM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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Murphy's Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from LA would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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  #15  
Old March 16th, 2024, 02:09 PM
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Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
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A few, non proof read, church notices:-



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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